Poem for Marcel

This is my high school friend, Marcel. We lost touch for many years, then I tracked him down through the internet and we resumed our friendship. One night I got a phone call. Marcel, who had had a sad life, had committed suicide, leaving a letter for me and a phone number for me to be notified. I wrote this poem in the days after his death, and read it, through tears, at his memorial. I wrote a story about him, and our friendship, also, and will post it soon.

My high school photo: Class of '64

You were always

waiting for me

on the corner

of Elliot and Richter

in the snow

all those dark sub-zero

bitter weekday mornings

in the crystal dead of winter

long ago,

under crisply winking stars

fall in beside me,

our steps crunching

across the frozen snow

towards the lighted school

where you would play

my champion,

towards the lighted school

where I would play

the fool.

We need not speak;

you were just there

to guide me

you supported me

and loyally you cared

through all those years

you walked,

silent, beside me

so full of all the words

I could not speak

so left unsaid,

brittle with so many

tears

I knew not

how to shed.

Your presence

along the deep abyss

that I was skirting

was a comfort

you, the only one

to see that I was hurting

you, the only one to see

who I was

really meant to be

hiding behind the gay bravado,

the laughing eyes,

the laughter,

you saw me shining then

and ever after

all my life long,

you've always been

my friend

Perhaps your presence

kept me from

the chasm,

my pain hid deep

behind my

thousand smiles,

you knew I needed

help

along those

so-precarious miles,

and up that hill of pain

so steep,

someone

who would

my painful

secret

keep.

You were so loyal,

you asked for nothing

but it is true

that in those years

that burned us deep

I was your defender, too

When other boys taunted you

beyond your years,

so sage, so wise,

till angry tears stood,

smarting,

in your outraged eyes,

frustration at living in a world

so cruel,

I would fall in beside you

as we walked away

from yet another day

survived in school

I lost you for a long and lonely time,

went looking for you many years ago

you, the one who always made me laugh,

you, the only one from those sad years

who "knew me when"

and who was still my friend

I needed to thank you

for always

standing by,

be your friend

better

than I could be

back then

when you watched me

breaking my heart

over silly boys

who decried me

while all the time

someone who cared

stood right beside me

One day your name was there

on my computer screen

it was so good to finally

make up the lost years

in between

But, Marcel, you left too soon

and suddenly.

This time I thought

that there would always be

more time to tell you

all you mean to me

especially how

kind you are

and rare,

how clear you see,

how loyally

you care,

we still had so much

friendship

left

to share

Once again,

as if the years

had never intervened,

there you were

supporting me

behind my winking screen

making me laugh as I did you

with stories

all too ludicrous

and true

because laughter after pain

is what we always knew

I took for granted

this time you would

always be

at the other end

of an email

never lost again

to me

We never had the chance

to meet again

If we did

I knew your face

would be the same

because your heart was

throughout all the years

unchanged

We did not metamorphose;

from those young ghosts

our spirits rose

and we became

more truly

who we are:

delightfully deranged,

two solitary souls

who are

wicked awesome

strange

I still had a hug

to give you

in this lifetime,

wanted one more time

to look into your eyes

You left too soon

but this I surely

promise:

Marcel,

you'll always

be a friend

of mine

I have to believe

that one day

I'll be crossing

a clear and frozen

landscape

all alone

until I reach the

far and distant

corner

just past the morning star

the corner

where you are

just waiting

to fall into step

beside me,

your presence

in that moment

not denied me,

to support me through

that last stretch of the journey

Once more

I will be

Heading Home

with you.

Marcel,

back when you loved me then

so true,

I'll bet you never dreamed

that it would end up

me and you.