A Love Story in Three Parts: Illusion, Confusion, Dis-Illusion

[I had originally intended to title this bunch of poems: White Knights, Blue Skies and Questing Hearts. This was my last attempt at loving a man, perhaps this lifetime. It was romantic, poetic, we zinged poems and words words words back and forth. I wanted to believe what he was saying so badly. It had been a long time since I had risked my heart. I took the plunge. I jumped in. Then it all started feeling like something was wrong. I tried to ignore this knowledge for as long as I could. I loved extravagantly. In an attempt to archive this part of my journey, I am back-dating it, so only those who really search will find it. I threw away everything he ever wrote me, so this is a one-sided report. Easy to see the disintegration. I did write some good poems, which is the only reason I didnt throw them away too, and also is why I am archiving it, however ridiculous the whole thing was.]

May, 2000

I didnt think
to pray for a miracle
I guess I thought
the time for love
had passed
squandered on
those loves
that didnt last
that the years
had gone
too fast
and somehow
my tender heart
had been
bypassed.

Now here you are
wild prince
of all my dreams
on your brown steed
held fast by the North Star
we chase moonbeams
and now I know what
Flying
really means

You, golden lad,
you soar
beyond my ken
to a shining world
I could not enter then
but standing
in the doorway
now I see
a whole new world
is waiting there
for me.

MORNING
May 2000

The pheasant calls
at daybreak
and morning slides
gently
over the grassy fields
while in my arms
you sleep,
your breath on my face
like a prayer of trust
your fingers at my wrist
my love a cone
of protection
hovering over
your sleeping form

and in my peaceful heart
I feel love growing,
a trunk
of love
as strong as a tree in Africa,
which one day
I hope
will rise
and fully flower
and shelter our
vast shy elephant hearts
forever

[At the beginning of our relationship, we likened our meeting to D.H.Lawrence's poem The Elephant Is Slow to Mate. I definitely am slow to mate, it takes me a long time to get up the courage, to trust, and to recover each time I am disappointed. As it turned out, he was no elephant:)]

May, 2000

In the candlelight
your face
reflects
an open love and passion
I have never seen
on a face
that is looking
at me

and I catch my breath
as a force
larger than both of us
draws us deeper,
deeper in,
a maelstrom of passion
that we ride
with certain hearts,
knowing we have found
our Way

Our connection
strengthens
every time we meet
as if we are loving
within a cosmic tide of love
that is loving us
and we flow
caught up in its
current
like
two bright and beautiful
fishes
finding their
subterranean
instinctive
and deeply imprinted
passage
Home

June, 2000

When I tell you
that you're beautiful,
I dont mean just your face,
though your face to me
is as beautiful
as the myriad stars
in space
as sunlight
shining through
a dappled meadow
as birdsong
in the evening
from the hedgerow

I recognize your face
for I have sought it
near and far
so when your eyes shine
at me
I love you
like a star
loves the night sky
as irrevocably
as a flower that blooms
and never questions why
as a light goes on
within a darkened room
you're the light
that shows the way
that I see by

There is no doubt
your beauty
takes my breath away
but when I say
you're beautiful
I'm really trying to say
that all of you
is beautiful -
my words mean
so much more
I see the inner you
perhaps not seen
so clear
before

I see your beauty plain
as a field of wind-kissed daisies
nodding in the summer rain
as ceaselessly
as their petals fade and drop
to bloom again,
I must tell you
of my heart's
single refrain:
the wonder of
finding you
and so much richness
after all the years
of pain

Your tenderness is
as gentle as the dawn
rising over a sleeping valley
bids the darkness gone
a valley that hasnt noticed
the end of night
until it wakes, bemused,
to find itself
suddenly bathed in
golden light

To me,
your beauty's shining
just as bright
as stars that kiss
the floor of Heaven
to celebrate the night
as luminous as the moon
that sails serene
across the midnight sky
for our delight
and by those stars
you chart my course
and lend me
perfect sight

I see your kindness
as vast
as a huge old
elephant heart
the heart of gold
I sought
right from the start
a heart that knows
how to love
how to be true [NOT! I just have to say!]
a heart that beats steady
as mine does
in return
for you

Perhaps we both were hidden
before we met
or perhaps we chose people
who could not clearly see
all the richness
living within you,
within me
but now it's right to bloom,
we're in safe hands,
each knowing the other
truly loves, and understands

For all those years
I sought you near and far,
I must tell you often
just how beautiful you are
how, after all the pain,
I see your beauty plain
not enough words
in my full heart
ever
to explain

It is your inner beauty
that shines for me
so bright,
glowing on your face
like incandescent light
I, drawn to you
inexorably
as a moth to flame,
full of wonder,
have to tell you
again
and yet
again

ALCHEMY
June, 2000

You came
and touched my life
which had been
dormant lead
undisturbed
by human hand
for a decade
and
with an
alchemist's touch
you picked it up
breathed life into it
warmed it
to a molten state
smoothed off
the rough
and broken places
polished away
the dross
and turned
all into
a pure and perfect
radiance
transforming all
to incandescent
shining
gold

WINGS ACROSS THE SKY
July, 2000

When I look at you,
sweetheart,
my heart takes flight
like wings across
a beating sky
that soar
through
boundless beauty
never known before
and I
fly higher
than I've ever dared
to fly

In the dark of night
when you shine your eyes
on me
it's as if the light
of all the stars
comes shining 'round
and angels
hold their breath
around our bed
in wonder
at all the beauty
that we've found

When I'm holding you
I'm not a body
any more
but Love
loving you
so bountiful and deep,
enfolding you
as you drift off
to sleep,
my whole being
a prayer
this love
forever now
we'll keep

This is the dream
I dreamed
now come to be,
after all the sad long years
you found me here
and I love higher,
deeper,
farther
than I've ever been,
in a land of love
so big
there is no fear.

Fly with me,
sky dreamer,
and we'll go
as high as
it is possible
to go
to find our way
we only need
to flow
the love we share
is all we need
to know.

[But already, though he was full of assurances and declarations, I could feel something wasnt right, feared my heart was not in safe hands. This was intuition, inner knowing, sensory perception. And also there were clues that I tried hard to ignore, messages I tried very hard not to hear. Because if I acknowledged them, I would have to face that I had made a big mistake. And that would have been too hard to bear. This is the moment when I wish I had grown a backbone and walked away with some dignity and self-respect.]

July 2000

For the first time,
a cloud has crossed our sky
dulled the sun,
our hearts confused
as to the how or why

My heart retreats
to safety.
Being strong is what I know:
I tell myself
I'll be okay
whether you stay
or go

It's hard to trust
that happines
will last
Much easier
to take the
more accustomed
Path:
no one ever stayed
by me
in the
painful past

Now
being honest
is the only way I know
there is no other
Pathway
I can go

Something doesnt
feel right
and yet
inside, I know
one look at you
and once again
Love
will begin
to flow

August, 2000

A shooting star arcs
across our sky
I watch you, looking up
at stars, and I
feel the sadness
in your glance
piercing me through
with pain
like a burning lance,
again and yet again

I said I'd never hurt you
yet I have
in this new frontier of being
honestly ourselves,
we must speak our
inner truths
and inward delve
but
under all,
the current of my love for you
runs true
is strong enough
to bring us
safely through

Sweetheart,
in time I'll come to know
the inner you,
trust what we have
will last;
I'll always stand by you
I could not walk away
or from you part
because you hold
the contents
of my heart

Believe me
when I say
that now i understand
you are only trying
to be the best you can
to everyone
so I will meet you there
remembering
when the questions rise
how honestly
you care

I would have thought
in our happy days
before
that with my heart so full
I could not love you more
but pain has shown
what my soul already knew
no matter what,
my heart belongs
to you

Your honesty,
your trueness
to your Self
shows me
you are
a kindred soul
of mine
I will love you
through the dark days
and the fine
my privilege just
to watch your beauty
shine

[Turns out at this point, he was wooing not one but two other women, keeping me on the string until he was sure he had secured one of the others. He called it "keeping his options open". I called it cheating. But I hadnt found this out yet. This all now becomes a farce. He told me later he had been "playing the part" of loving me.]

August, 2000

The cock crows
at break of day
and in my arms
you are as beautiful
as the morning sun
that creeps over
the horizon
and lights up
all the corners
of my world
since we are
one

The day dawns,
here with you,
more happily
than it ever has before-
all the love
I spent my lifetime
looking for
I have
with you -
all that I dreamed
and more

Sweetheart,
I always knew
love could be
like this:
serene, content,
fulfilling,
heartfelt,
meant

That I waited so long
to find you
makes it that
much more
divine
and I'll carry you
in my heart now
through all the days
of time

The cock crows
and I count
my blessings:
Love,
a beautiful man
lying so close by
my side
my love for you
your love for me
and all we share
someone for whom
my whole being
can care

Before the sun even rises,
before you open your eyes,
already
you have gifted me
just by being
by my side

THE MOUNTAINS OF THE MOON
August 2000

We leave the bay,
I, looking back,
at the green green
living island
that I love:
rounded hills
humped under
wisps of cloud,
looking like misty
Mountains of the Moon;
jellyfish bubbling eeerily
among raindrops
in the bay,
eagle hunch-shouldered
in the rain,
the wake behind the boat
marking the distance
I am forced to travel
again and
yet again
away from the place
where I the most belong,
my eyes loving
each tree, each hill,
each bird along the way,
my heart singing its
farewell-till-next-time song.

This is the landscape of my soul,
where my spirit
is at home,
where I no longer live.
In my life,
what I most want
to for forever keep,
the Universe
always asks me
one thing:
give.

On the oher side
of the island,
my lover lives.
With him
my heart resides,
my body
constantly journeying
back and forth
for time spent
by his side.
There and away,
there and away
I go,
taking with me
every golden moment
for I know
it has to last me
till another day.
I gave my heart.
This is the price
I pay.

I live
somewhere
in the middle,
in between.
Alone, and missing both,
I store
all that there
has been,
carefully,
as nuts for
a winter squirrel,
to bring out
when the visits
grow fewer and far between:
a rounded hump
of mountain,
his head on the pillow,
his tender smile,
misty cloud
on old-growth,
the way we watch stars
a while,
an eagle soaring skywards
in full and joyous flight,
and the way
his tender hand
finds mine
within the dark
of night.

It seems
I am always
driving away
from something I love,
always in a
state of longing,
loving
loving
with all my heart
but not belonging.

Why does life require
so much more from me?
Yet I remember
how my soul
needs to think.
I am always driving
towards
something I love
as well:
that glorious sweep
of waves
rushing to shore,
the way my car speeds up
as it heads his way,
the way my heart lifts
at the sight of
what once was home
before,

or his face,
lit up in welcome,
that dear face
that I spent
my whole life
looking for.

My heart waited
a lonely lifetime
for happiness to begin;
for my two loves to find
the waiting chambers
of my heart
and move right in.
Now, rich in love,
it has much
with which to fill
those empty rooms:
my ocean-spirit place,
my dear one's face-
my heart,
making its
evolutionary journey
via Coombs.

GEESE
September, 2000

Out in the field,
geese are calling,
as they prepare
to head south
in search of
warmer climes,
and my heart,
strong and secure
in the love we share,
curls up
in its cave
of contentment
like a well-fed bear,
to see
the long, inclement
winter through,
with you.

October, 2000

My white knight
you came
shining
from the start
spilling
sunshine
in my path
you bid
all my
darkness gone
at every step
you played
a hero's part
till with a radiance
as beautiful
as dawn
you lit up
the hidden corners
of my heart

in the candlelight
within the night
you ride
upon our passion
to the other side
so beautiful
you draw me
deeper in
until there's
no longer
anywhere
to hide

and I must
love you,
love with
everything
I am
with all I have
and all I'll ever be
love all of you
so beautiful
and rare
no words
to say
how much
you mean to me
or all the
thousand
reasons
why I care

my white knight
each and every time
you show
you're staying
when I fear
that you might go
you ease
the questing
seeking
place inside
where love
once hurt me
and where fear
resides
you show
my pilgrim heart
a love so true
I can only
set my course
to follow you
accept the shelter
of being
by your side
where Love
is all
I ever need
to know

my white knight
you're
as beautiful
to me
as a thousand sunsets
on a thousand seas
as daybreak
after darkness
lights the dawn
you came shining
and bid all my shadows
gone
hung all the stars for me
I always knew
that love could be
the way it is
with you
every dream
I ever dreamed
you make
come true
with you
I soar
exultant
skies of blue
and with every word
of love
you set me free
Sweetheart,
you make love
just
that beautiful
for me

[Here is where I discovered the two women he had on the string and where we parted. I, of course, rising to the heights of human folly, assuring him he had my love while he "wrestled with his demons". He said all the classic things, it wasnt me, it was him, he needed "time" to figure himself out, he needed to be alone....blah blah blah. Within weeks he had burned through one woman (the entire time he was sending me emails about how he "thought of me with every breath, longed for me with every prayer." Good grief. The second woman soon moved in with him. He dumped her for someone else, followed by someone after that, not two years later. However, there were one or two more poems before I finally became enraged and realized the entire thing had been empty words, a farce, and that is why my inner knowing had not been congruent with all the words and lofty sentiments flying around. One more person had not been worthy of the gift of my trust and my heart. This time I learned the lesson definitively. I will never have to repeat it.]

White Knights, Blue Skies and Questing Hearts
February, 2000

my white knight
you are walking through
the wasteland
of the distant past
where myths of long ago
elusive beautiful maidens
mystical journeys
gallant knights atop white horses
come and go

fire breathing dragons
stalk
your hero's journey
through the paths
and portals
of the love you fear
as always,
my eternal love
rides with you
while you make your quest
forever, I am here

slain on the battlefields
of love
before I knew you,
your gentle heart
unmasks its fear and pain,
quivers in fear
at the crossroads
of two choices:
love, or unrelieved pain
again

my heart steadfast: it has
no choice
but to love you
the pain of your retreat
is killing me
my love,
a shining light
so you can find me,
the truth inside
the hardest thing
to see

my heart fought
its lonely battles
long before you
came shining through
my world
and made love new
vanquished my fears
and now you seek
to leave me
my greatest joy,
my greatest pain
is loving you

quest gently, love,
it's not so far a journey
your heart contains the
hidden map
you seek
your head, confused,
pursues its lonely battle
within, all that you know
is trying to speak

you'll always be
my white knight,
my beloved,
I pay with pain
not knowing
what's to be
forever and forever
I will love you,
wait always
for you to return
to me

[Then, after the first woman, and as the second was actually packing her boxes, he saw me somewhere, realized I was less than impressed with him, knew the truth and was far beyond believing all the lies and romantic gibberish, and he actually tried to kiss me,in an ego-driven need to have everyone in love with him. I drew back sharply, looked him square in the eyes and asked : "Who are you?" as I drove away.

I was angry for a long time, at him but also with myself, for not listening to my inner voice, for ignoring the obvious signs of his addictive personality, which of course also affected his romantic relationships. But, in the end, he was off living a horrible life and I was fine and better than fine.]

Conclusion:

A Heart of Gold
September 2001

you told me
you'd discovered
all that glitters
is not gold.
I told you
I've been seeking
all my life
a heart of gold.
you led me forward
through my fear
you said
"I always will be here"
you said
"I'll never go away"
so my whole shiny
golden
heart
came out to stay.
you left me
with my heart
all hanging out
in tatters
you said
true love
is not enough
it was
the fantasy
that matters
under the utter
devastation
under my hopes
and dreams
grown cold
I knew: you need
the glitter and the glamor
I knew: it is my heart
that's gold.