Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A Spirit Too Big to Kill

Ms. Jasmine, lonely without Pup

With thanks to Annell at Somethings I Think About
for the line "Spirit too big to kill",
which she wrote for Pup.

The neighbourhood
has gone eerily silent.
The neighborhood dogs
are spooked,
the neighbors, too.
When I pull
into the driveway,
now -
no   barking -
no big old snout
poked
in the bags,
to see if there's
something there
for you.

The house is empty.
Ms. Jasmine
is sad
and quiet,
while through
the empty rooms
she and I roam,
looking at
your stuffed boars,
your big soft bed of foam,
the space waiting for
your ashes,
when you
finally
come home.

Where are you now?
Where did
your large
and noisy spirit go?
This silence
is one I
simply cant
get used to;
it's too quiet,
and that makes me
miss you so.

You had such a big
and luminescent
Presence,
It makes
your absence
all the more
profound.
I didnt want
to let you go,
my wolf-pup,
and you didnt want
to leave me;
that I know.

You stayed longer
than your body
thought was wise.
But your spirit
kept  light
smiling
to the end
within your eyes.

The morning
of the day
you died,
I saw you rolling
like a young pup,
on your back and
wriggling in the snow.
I hoped it meant that
you were getting better.
I wasnt ready
-ever-
to let you go.

But your hind end has
been giving out
for years.
Every time
that you went down,
you got back up.
Even when it failed,
that night,
completely,
still you tried
to rise,
my ever-faithful
Pup.

You barked to go out,
and then it happened:
your rear was gone.
You needed
to be set free.
The decision
was made,
the moment I had
so dreaded,
heartbreakingly
had finally
come to be.

When we prepared the car,
you thought
that it meant
Walkies.
Your excitement 
at going 
got you  on your feet.
You barked
the whole way
as you have,
for fourteen years,
day after day.
Who could have thought
how much I'd miss
your barking,
how loud the silence
once you went
away?


This afternoon
the sun beamed
shafts of brightness
all across
your bare, deserted yard.
It is so empty now
without you in it.
Being without you
is so very hard.

There's a full round
yellow moon
atop the cedars,
rising across the
early evening sky.
The kind of moon
that makes
a wolf pup howl.
For so long,
we've walked together,
you and I.

You refused to get out
at the vet's.
I had to drag you.
You didnt want
to leave me
it was clear.
You fought the
sedation
for a long time.
I fought my tears,
so you would
feel no fear.

Then finally,
and slowly,
it was over.
You succumbed.
I know your spirit
never will.
You  were yourself,
right to the end,
black wolf who
loved me,
who lived
all his life
with a
Spirit
too big to kill.

Your empty yard.

12 comments:

  1. Our beautiful dogs are so special, they fill our lives with so much love, this made me cry and cry. What a wonderful wonderful boy, I'm am so sorry, I wish I could give Jasmine and you a big hug x

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  2. well, I'm crying again...his big spirit has touched me too...quite alive in your memories, words and in each of us as you retell his story.

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  3. Yes, I feel that pain in the depths of your sorrow. It is a very hard time. And that's just the way of it, when we are willing to love so deeply. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. It is a part of what we have come to learn.

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  4. It is so spookily silent here. Who would have thought I'd miss all that barking? But I do. Thank you for your kind comments:)

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  5. Oh, Sherry!
    How lucky you and Jasmine were to have Pup in your lives. Your grief is understandable and palpable. My condolences.
    ~Kim

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  6. My sweet sweet Sherry, I am so sad for you, with the great lonliness of the yard and the skies and the moon staring silently at you. But they are only waiting, it is only a metter of time before you fill all the spaces with your dreaming skies and your endless limitless smiling spirit.
    Give Jasmine extra kisses, so she can kiss you back, for all of us :)

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  7. am so sorry you're hurting :'( i can really feel it in this piece. grieving, because who was lost has such value and meaning to you. what's so beautiful is how aware of that relationship you were when he was physically with you...it's a good reminder to me to enjoy the moments i have and love well everything near me.

    ((((((()))))))

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  8. Dear Dear Sherry,
    I am so sorry about your lost. But life touched by a gentle loving spirit is better than a life without care and devotion - so rejoice in his life for you found love together while letting go...

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  9. Oh my Sherry, I know what you are going through...and there are no words for this type of grief...you have my heartfelt sympathy on this...My Dearest Lady...may all blessings and peace be with you..bkm

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  10. You know my heart breaks for you, Sherry, having been there myself. The line "how loud the silence once you went away" says it perfectly for me...nothing better underlines the absence of a beloved dog than a bark heard no more. So glad you and Pup had each other to love and enjoy all those years. He's just moved deeper into your heart now and will always be there with you...

    ReplyDelete

I so appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Thank you so much. I will be over to see you soon!