Thursday, April 2, 2015

Blackbird - a Villanelle

dtc-wsuv.org



I might have told you, had I been less shy,
how I'd adore you till the end of time,
but words caught in my throat, and voiceless, I.

I needed words from you to get us by,
but you could promise naught, in prose or rhyme.
I might have told you, had I been less shy.


We loved in silence, my heart hid its cry.
Without the words, I acted out in mime.
The words caught in my throat, and voiceless, I.

I sought a promise. Your eyes sought the sky.
Our love was new, and needed much more time.
I might have told you, had I been less shy.

I hung on tight, you tried so hard to fly,
the mountain peaks we sought too hard a climb.
The words caught in my throat, and voiceless, I.

Blackbird, Beauty, soaring through the sky,
you live forever in this heart of mine.
I might have told you, had I been less shy,
but words caught in my throat, and voiceless, I.

for Grace's posting at dVerse of 
Sam Peralta's essay on The Art of Villanelle 
It looked daunting, so I gave it a whirl,
flubbed it, and have now corrected it.
An interesting exercise and I am grateful for the help with it!

Still Day Two. LOL.

19 comments:

  1. I love the refrain:

    I might have told you, had I been less shy,
    but words caught in my throat, and voiceless, I.

    I wonder if you started with the refrain as the ending fits so well ~

    As to the form, I believe you are missing 6 more lines or 2 tercets between the last verse of Blackbird, Beauty. You need to repeat the refraining lines ~ But I will take your abridged villanelle poem as it is a beauty in itself~

    Thanks for joining in Sherry & wishing you Happy Easter ~

    Grace

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    1. Oh thanks, Grace. I will have to look at the format again and see where I went wrong.......wow, six more lines!

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    2. I love the additional lines specially this one:

      We loved in silence, my heart hid its cry.
      Without the words, I acted out in mime.

      I sought a promise. Your eyes sought the sky.

      You got the rhyming pattern ~ Brava for being so game ~ Take care dear ~ Grace

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  2. Somehow this shorter version of the villanelle fits the theme, as if the words for the other two tercets did, in fact, get caught in our throat, leaving you voiceless. It is beautiful and haunting. Peace, Linda

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    1. Thanks, Linda. I have a problem with forms, as all the ab ac aa stuff makes my brain go blank so I try to go by feel and rhythm - likely where I screwed up, LOL.

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  3. I know exactly how you feel! This is a haunting write. I am looking forward to even more lines for this because it will be more to enjoy! Good job. I only hope I do 1/10th as well. Hayes Spencer is Kanzensakura.

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  4. Yeah, this one is a bit of brain tease, 5 tercet stanzas, capped with a quatrain, 2 alternating repeating lines, & 2 refrains; probably easier if we wrote them more often, right? I like Grace's interpretation that your form is shorter secondary to theme & content. It worked beautifully. I thought it may have been one of versions of the Villanelle I was not familiar with; &, in fact it is, it is the Blue Sky form, & I dig it.

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  5. Oh, there is such a longing and sadness in this that it leaves the reader feeling that speechless ache. Well written, Sherry!!

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  6. You did a great job Sherry. I haven't been able to respond to the challenge. I like the way you adhere to the form, while writing something sentimental and meaningul. I applaud you.

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  7. Nice flourish of the rhetorical and even theatrical in your villanelle, I like the speech patterns, the inversions. It's a challenging form, isn't it? I too was counting the lines and thinking 'oh, no, whatever next?'

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  8. Definitely tugs on the heart, Sherry.

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  9. Hi Sherry, It seems we both decided to venture in unknown waters. I enjoyed your poem regardless of form it is beautiful.

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  10. Sherry, this is beautiful, romantic and so well suited to this form. I tried, but couldn't get anything on paper.

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  11. it's those crushes we have, when we don't tell someone how we felt, and then twenty years later, we realize we should have said something, because saying something would have been kept us from wondering for twenty years.


    The Befuddled Flatulent Blogger

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  12. this is gorgeous, Sherry - effortless, supple, evocative ~

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  13. There is something about your one refrain line that ends with the word "I"...at first glance, seems incomplete...or a stutter that is completed when the next line begins with I...but the way that line ends...especially as it comes at the end of the poem, give a wistful feeling...as if there is more that the shy speaker would have liked to say, but couldn't. Brilliant!

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  14. Beautiful Sherry, just beautiful

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  15. Nice poem. I like black birds -- very cool.

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