Remembering Marcel

This is my high school friend, Marcel, and I - Class of '64. He was gay in small-town Kelowna, and was teased mercilessly by loud, laughing, obnoxious boys. I was his defender, and the kids said he "followed me around like a puppy."  After high school, we lost touch for many years, then I tracked him down through the internet and we resumed our friendship. One night I got a phone call. Marcel, who had had a sad life, had committed suicide, leaving a letter for me and a phone number for me to be notified. I wrote this poem in the days after his death, and read it, through tears, at his memorial. Too soon, to lose him again.

You were always waiting for me

on the corner of Elliot and Richter

in the snow, all those dark sub-zero

bitter weekday mornings,

in the crystal dead of winter

long ago,

under crisply winking stars

fall in beside me,

our steps crunching across the frozen snow

towards the lighted school

where you would play my champion,

towards the lighted school

where I would play

the fool.

We need not speak;

you were just there to guide me.

You supported me and loyally you cared.

Through all those years

you walked, silent, beside me,

so full of all the words

I could not speak so left unsaid,

brittle with so many tears

I knew not how to shed.

Your presence along the deep abyss

that I was skirting

was a comfort: you, the only one

to see that I was hurting,

you, the only one to see

who I was really meant to be,

hiding behind the gay bravado,

the laughing eyes, the laughter,

you saw me shining, then

and ever after,

all my life long,

you've always been

my friend.

Perhaps your presence

kept me from the chasm,

my pain hid deep

behind my thousand smiles.

You knew I needed help

along those so-precarious miles,

and up that hill of pain so steep,

you were someone who would

my painful secret keep.

You were so loyal,

you asked for nothing,

but it is true,

that in those years

that burned us deep,

I was your defender, too.

When other boys taunted you

- beyond your years,

so sage, so wise -

till angry tears stood,

smarting, in your outraged eyes,

frustrated at living in a world

so cruel,

I would fall in beside you

as we walked away

from yet another day

survived in school.

I lost you for a long and lonely time,

went looking for you many years ago -

you, the one who always made me laugh,

you, the only one from those sad years

who "knew me when"

and who was still my friend.

I needed to thank you

for always standing by,

be your friend better

than I could be back then,

when you watched me

breaking my heart

over silly boys who decried me

while all the time

someone who cared

stood right beside me.

One day your name was there

on my computer screen;

it was so good to finally

make up the lost years

in between.

But, Marcel, you left too soon

and suddenly.

This time I thought

that there would always be

more time to tell you

all you mean to me,

especially how kind you are

and rare,

how clear you see,

how loyally you care.

We still had so much

friendship left

to share.

Once again, as if the years

had never intervened,

there you were supporting me

behind my winking screen,

making me laugh as I did you

with tales

all too ludicrous and true,

because laughter after pain

is what we always knew.

I took for granted

this time you would always be

at the other end of an email,

never lost again to me.

We never had the chance

to meet again.

If we did I knew your face

would be the same

because your heart was,

throughout all the years,

unchanged.

We did not metamorphose;

from those young ghosts

our spirits rose

and we became

more truly who we are:

delightfully deranged,

two solitary souls who are

wicked awesome

strange.

I still had a hug to give you

in this lifetime,

wanted one more time

to look into your eyes.

You left too soon

but this I surely promise:

Marcel,

you'll always

be a friend

of mine.

I have to believe that one day

I'll be crossing

a clear and frozen

landscape all alone

until I reach the

far and distant corner,

just past the morning star,

the corner where you are

just waiting

to fall into step beside me,

your presence in that moment

not denied me,

to support me through

that last stretch of the journey.

Once more

I will be

Heading Home

with you.

Marcel,

back when you loved me then

so true,

I'll bet you never dreamed

that it would end up

me and you.

for Susan's prompt at What's Going On: School. 

This is an old poem, as when I think of those school years, I remember Marcel and his quiet, loyal friendship, that never wavered.

Marcel with Paprikas
when he knew he'd be leaving.