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Tuesday, September 3, 2024

Remembering Marcel







This is my high school friend, Marcel, and I - Class of '64. He was gay in small-town Kelowna, and was teased mercilessly by loud, laughing, obnoxious boys. I was his defender, and the kids said he "followed me around like a puppy."  After high school, we lost touch for many years, then I tracked him down through the internet and we resumed our friendship. One night I got a phone call. Marcel, who had had a sad life, had committed suicide, leaving a letter for me and a phone number for me to be notified. I wrote this poem in the days after his death, and read it, through tears, at his memorial. Too soon, to lose him again.


You were always waiting for me
on the corner of Elliot and Richter
in the snow, all those dark sub-zero
bitter weekday mornings,
in the crystal dead of winter
long ago,
under crisply winking stars
fall in beside me,
our steps crunching across the frozen snow
towards the lighted school
where you would play my champion,
towards the lighted school
where I would play
the fool.

We need not speak;
you were just there to guide me.
You supported me and loyally you cared.
Through all those years
you walked, silent, beside me,
so full of all the words
I could not speak so left unsaid,
brittle with so many tears
I knew not how to shed.

Your presence along the deep abyss
that I was skirting
was a comfort: you, the only one
to see that I was hurting,
you, the only one to see
who I was really meant to be,
hiding behind the gay bravado,
the laughing eyes, the laughter,
you saw me shining, then
and ever after,
all my life long,
you've always been
my friend.

Perhaps your presence
kept me from the chasm,
my pain hid deep
behind my thousand smiles.
You knew I needed help
along those so-precarious miles,
and up that hill of pain so steep,
you were someone who would
my painful secret keep.

You were so loyal,
you asked for nothing,
but it is true,
that in those years
that burned us deep,
I was your defender, too.
When other boys taunted you
- beyond your years,
so sage, so wise -
till angry tears stood,
smarting, in your outraged eyes,
frustrated at living in a world
so cruel,
I would fall in beside you
as we walked away
from yet another day
survived in school.

I lost you for a long and lonely time,
went looking for you many years ago -
you, the one who always made me laugh,
you, the only one from those sad years
who "knew me when"
and who was still my friend.

I needed to thank you
for always standing by,
be your friend better
than I could be back then,
when you watched me
breaking my heart
over silly boys who decried me
while all the time
someone who cared
stood right beside me.

One day your name was there
on my computer screen;
it was so good to finally
make up the lost years
in between.

But, Marcel, you left too soon
and suddenly.
This time I thought
that there would always be
more time to tell you
all you mean to me,
especially how kind you are
and rare,
how clear you see,
how loyally you care.
We still had so much
friendship left
to share.

Once again, as if the years
had never intervened,
there you were supporting me
behind my winking screen,
making me laugh as I did you
with tales
all too ludicrous and true,
because laughter after pain
is what we always knew.

I took for granted
this time you would always be
at the other end of an email,
never lost again to me.
We never had the chance
to meet again.
If we did I knew your face
would be the same
because your heart was,
throughout all the years,
unchanged.

We did not metamorphose;
from those young ghosts
our spirits rose
and we became
more truly who we are:
delightfully deranged,
two solitary souls who are
wicked awesome
strange.

I still had a hug to give you
in this lifetime,
wanted one more time
to look into your eyes.
You left too soon
but this I surely promise:
Marcel,
you'll always
be a friend
of mine.

I have to believe that one day
I'll be crossing
a clear and frozen
landscape all alone
until I reach the
far and distant corner,
just past the morning star,
the corner where you are
just waiting
to fall into step beside me,
your presence in that moment
not denied me,
to support me through
that last stretch of the journey.
Once more
I will be
Heading Home
with you.

Marcel,
back when you loved me then
so true,
I'll bet you never dreamed
that it would end up
me and you.


This is an old poem, as when I think of those school years, I remember Marcel and his quiet, loyal friendship, that never wavered.


Marcel with Paprikas
when he knew he'd be leaving.



11 comments:

  1. "two solitary souls who are
    wicked awesome
    strange." Wow! Ow! The best of friends. I truly believe you saw each other's souls and had each other's backs. I love how the same landscape (with a difference) opens and closes your poem. Thank you for reaching back to post this poem.

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  2. What wonderful friends you were to each other. Seems it was a deep friendship that spanned the years. How touching that before he ended his life he left a letter for you. What a heartbreaking story, Sherry. Sad that he had been treated so poorly by others, but wonderful that he recognized you as a true friend.

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  3. Oh Sherry, the last two verses made me cry... what a beautiful, beautiful friendship... those who held our hands during those tough, growing-up years are truly the best!

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  4. I love the warmth of love and kindness flowing and reaching us Sherry. This world is such a hard place but livable for caring souls. This poem is a walk through tears. My favorite stanza :
    'We did not metamorphose;
    from those young ghosts
    our spirits rose...'
    Beautiful, Sherry.

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  5. Such a touching tribute to your friend. Truly heartbreaking and sad and yet I am glad you had each other - then, and in some way still - Jae

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  6. I heard it said that suicide happens when a person's pain exceeds their ability to cope. I find that horribly sad but love it because it does not judge or blame. I am so sorry you lost such a special friend this way, Sherry. I think of Don McLean's song about Van Gogh where he says, "this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."

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    Replies
    1. I have heard that too, and it sums it up. Yes, Marcel was fine china in a motorcycle world.

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  7. May Marcel be at peace now free from his suffering. You were blessed to have each other in this wonderful friendship. Beautifully written poem....Rall

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  8. Thank you Sherry. Bless you for your kindness, and peace to Marcel.

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  9. This is beautiful and beyond words. Very emotional and heart breaking .

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  10. The tears rolling down my face, my sobs will have to suffice for I have no words. Only to tell you how amazing you are (I've always known) how I also had a gay friend in high school who I championed. Dress rehearsal for all the times I have stood up for my son, Carl ... my many gay coworkers at the travel agency I worked in for 18 years, owned by the dearest, most generous (gay) man I have ever known. Thank you, dear Sherry.

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